Copy Clinic: Confusing your nan with Bluecrest

Or 'How to connote the cost of not attending a health check-up'

Here’s something you won’t hear many people say: unfortunately, I don’t receive much direct mail. 

Direct mail is my favourite type of copy to write, so when it appears on my doorstep I tend to hang onto it — like this letter from private healthcare provider, Bluecrest. As you’ll see, it’s pretty long, so feel free to scroll on after the first page:

It’s not bad, but there’s a lot I’d change. 

Here’s what I think is wrong with it:

1. It’s too long. 

Giving a thorough explanation of your service is helpful, but detailing every step as above feels like a mistake — mainly because it’s laid out in a boring way. ‘And then we do this… Then we do that… Followed by one of those…’ Yawn.

For a cold communication, as this letter is, the main focus should be grabbing my attention and making me want their product, not explaining the minutiae.

However, that’s not to say they should neuter the detail entirely. Going ham on information can be a powerful tool to demonstrate credibility and set expectations — it just needs to be done in a way that doesn’t make your eyes glaze over.

I’d recommend they separate out the full list into a different document within the same envelope. So the letter itself (see below) would be one page that mentions that further details have been enclosed, and the other page would be a full breakdown of every test and how it works in easy-to-read bullet points, rather than paragraphs.

Each piece of paper should function as a standalone document. That way you get the benefits of including extensive detail (suggesting transparency, honesty, expertise, etc.) while ensuring the letter itself is undiluted by a wall of info.

2. It’s too diplomatic/vague.

The letter gets off to a limp start with: 

‘We all lead busy lives… Sometimes it can even be hard to find the time to visit your GP.’ 

I’m not sure being busy is the problem. It’s far from a secret that the NHS is under more pressure than ever before, with waiting lists at record highs and overworked doctors going on strike. 

As such, it seems more likely that pensioners, the age group this service is aimed at, are going without a checkup because they’re struggling to get a non-essential appointment, not because they’ve got too much going on. (The elderly: that famously busy demographic…)

It goes on to say:

‘These days, taking responsibility for your health has become commonplace.’

Which is a polite way to say ‘We all know the NHS isn’t currently in a great way and if you’re worried about your health, you might be better off going private at the mo, as many people have had to do.’

I appreciate why they want to be diplomatic about it, particularly when many are very protective and sentimental about the NHS. But I believe you can play up the convenience of their private offering versus the alternative without disparaging it.

And when their biggest competitor offers a nationally-revered, historically-cherished free service that’s often very good, it’s crucial that they do so. 

3. It’s too familiar.

The letter says:

‘You’re probably wondering what’s involved… let me explain a little further.’ 

Without explaining who you are, using first person singular pronouns like ‘me’ and ‘I’ seems overfamiliar and strange. After all, you are a stranger to your reader. 

On top of that, lines like ‘Let me reassure you…’ become meaningless without the context of who’s doing the reassuring. 

If a doctor in a hospital said ‘Let me reassure you we’ll examine your heart, liver, and kidneys thoroughly’, you’d probably feel relieved.

But if a random man scuttles up to you as you’re taking an ill-advised shortcut down a dark alley late at night, and says ‘Let me reassure you we’ll examine your heart, liver, and kidneys thoroughly’... Not so much. 

4. It’s hypocritical.

It says:

‘You won’t be presented with a sheet of ‘gobledegook’ numbers.’ 

Yet a few paragraphs later, it tells you that you’ll have your ‘AST, ALT, Gamma GT, total bilirubin and alkaline phosphatase’ measured, alongside your ‘albumin, total protein, iron and globulin’, while your ‘P-Wave Morphology, QTc Interval, [and] Atrial Ectopics’ are analysed. Hmmm.

In an industry where gaining audience trust is vital, it’s good that they’ve included some hardcore terms to show that they know what they’re talking about. But this could be done in a tighter, more effective way that doesn’t interrupt the ‘we make everything clear for laymen’ message of the letter.

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So that’s what’s wrong. Now let’s fix it: 

Dear Name, 

‘If only we’d caught it earlier…’

The words nobody wants to hear when receiving bad news about their health.

Sadly, late diagnosis is a reality that millions could soon face — but it doesn’t have to happen to you.

Due to record high NHS waiting lists, many people could find themselves going without a check-up, leaving themselves vulnerable should something be wrong — all because they don’t know how easy it is to get a health check with Bluecrest. 

At Bluecrest, we provide affordable, local, private health checks, giving you peace of mind and the ability to take responsibility for your health — without waiting for your GP to become available.

Our Health Assessment Specialists examine your heart, liver, kidneys, and blood to create a detailed review of your health in a special 24+ page report, completely unique to you.

• Discover what’s really going on in your body: Gain access to in-depth tests that the NHS normally only offers if you display specific symptoms, with assessments of 53 different vital health criteria that can instantly indicate your risk of developing a serious illness.

  To help you feel comfortable with the process, we’ve enclosed the details and benefits of each test and what they involve alongside this letter.

• Feel looked after: Rest easy knowing your Health Assessment Specialist is accredited by the same regulatory bodies as the NHS, and is part of a fully-qualified team that has performed over 440,000 health checks since 2012.

• No waiting lists: Book your appointment at a time that’s convenient for you, with regular availability of next-day bookings.

• Understand everything on your terms: 90 percent of your report is written in plain English with no complicated technical terms to decode, alongside plenty of explanation about what your results mean.

  The other 10 percent? That’s the complex information your doctor would usually keep to themselves, giving you the power to make any medical professional an instant expert on your unique circumstances in seconds.

• Solve your health concerns once and for all: Your report’s easy-to-read ‘traffic light’ rankings shows which areas of your health are within the recommended range and which areas could do with some extra support, with clear guidance on how to improve each concern.

• Quick and painless: Your check-up involves almost nothing more uncomfortable than removing your shoes and socks, and takes place in relaxed, private, convenient, and accessible location — not in a busy, bustling clinic.

• Ongoing care at no extra cost: Whether you’d like to discuss your results further or something new arises, you’ll receive 24/7 access to a private GP helpline for one year after your check-up to assist with anything from advice for aches and pains, to prescriptions and referrals.

While ‘going private’ has become commonplace, we understand this wasn’t always the norm. So, to help you feel comfortable that your Bluecrest check meets your needs, here’s the full breakdown of all you’ll pay, with no hidden fees or add-ons:

It’s hard to put a price on peace of mind, but we see no shortage of patients like you relieved to finally discover the truth about their health. Don’t take our word for it, here’s what some of our most recent patients thought of their experience:

“The process was much quicker and easier than expected, the staff friendly but maintained a professional stance. I feel very positive that any symptoms could be dealt with now rather than just left.” - Marion Netley

“I thoroughly enjoyed my experience with Bluecrest. The staff were efficient, friendly, and helpful, and there was no time wasted. The highlight was my report. Beautifully presented and highly informative and in-depth. No hesitation — would recommend you every time.” - Pat Gowie

Stop taking chances with your health and start taking control. Book your Bluecrest health check today at bluecrestwellness.com, or speak to one of our friendly Health Assessment Specialists by calling 0800 652 2105.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Boss, King of Bluecrest

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Here’s a summary of what I changed and why:

• Separate the specifics: The letter itself doesn’t need to explain how Bluecrest will examine your toenail shavings for signs of vitamin B deficiency or whatever. We’ve got a short window to grab their attention, so I’ve separated the deep details and the letter into two different documents. I’ve not included the details page here for brevity’s sake, but you can imagine what it would look like laid out as bullet points instead of a wall of text. Speaking of bullet points…

• Add bullet points: Bullet points are the best way to make a document easier to scan, so I’ve added them to the letter as well, increasing the odds that someone might actually bother reading it.

• Play up the urgency: People in the UK don’t tend to go private unless it’s urgent. In fact, 63% of British adults who turned to private sector healthcare in 2022 said they did so because they 'faced long delays or could not access treatment on the NHS’. Failing to mention this would be ignoring Bluecrest’s biggest selling point, and missing out on their best opportunity to demonstrate they understand the audience’s concerns.

And I don’t want to hear any nonsense about fear-mongering.

Without the suggestion that you may miss identifying a health problem before it gets worse by forgoing or postponing a check-up, there’s no incentive to have one. People don’t seek out a health MOT for banter; they’re worried that something is wrong with them.

If anything, by being frank about the risks of ignoring health concerns and open about the other options available to assuage them, you’re empowering the audience to make the choice that’s right for them.

It’s only a bad idea if your service doesn’t actually do what you claim. In this case, I’m choosing to believe that Bluecrest does indeed deliver comprehensive private health check-ups that set anxious minds to rest.

But the use of negative emotions to drive sales and why so many businesses are mistakenly against it is a topic for another day…

Want me to re-write your copy? Send your work to duckmancopy@gmail.com and I can publicly polish it for free. No obligation to work with me further, just a fresh professional perspective on your work at zero cost, with advice you can apply to future campaigns too.